THIS UNEASY FEELING
It is January 14, 2018 time 3:54:50 pm. Time keeps passing. I have this uneasy feeling that will not go away. Not anxiety; just an uneasy feeling in my gut that permeates my entire being.
i have been undergoing acupuncture now for over a month and went to an orthopedic surgeon back in December to further pursue the possibility of having knee replacement surgery to relieve the pain in my “totally shot” knees.
Like I said, time keeps passing and everyday seems to be a repeat of the next. It is the middle of winter with a foot of snow on the ground and The 8 degrees air temperature. The one good thing is that the sky is totally blue without a cloud in the sky and not much of a breeze. Lots of sunshine.
Time keeps passing. It is as though I can feel every second that passes as it passes. It is a ruthless merciless way to carry out the function of existence, of living.
I guess I am dreading the day when things change and the hammer drops. The bulk of my life is behind me; and like all senior citizens have know idea of how much time is left out there is front of me. Nobody knows what the future holds.
The uneasy feeling comes and goes but today it is stronger than normal. It is a mentally and physically draining sensation.
I think as I look back I go through this just about every winter. Winter is my vacation. I rest from my summer labor as a golf professional in the golf business. Non stop ungodly long hours with a steady influx of different people and different events that make every day different and more exciting than the next.
Once the edge wears off and the season ends it is time to rest. I take a lot of naps.
The total being upset of my acupuncture treatments is also different and draining. I have been through this before a few times and if it done correctly which it is being done it takes a toll on your total energy as your mind body and spirit go through many changes.
The last nine months have been quite stressful. More than a few close friends have died suddenly and at a relatively young age, and a few have been taken ill with stroke and debilitating cancers.
But at the core of it all is the feeling, the knowledge that sooner of later the hammer will drop on me, as it will on all of us.
As time passes it is true that it waits for no one. When your time to exit comes you just go. You leave the relative time continuum and enter the objective real of space and time; time without boundaries, without beginning or end.
Just a wild guess of course. All I have to go by is past life experience that ai make visible in my artwork and writing, and that I can only decipher in terms of my feelings of past life experiences.
But this again is a rationalization of the process of finality, of death. No one likes to think about it but we all do.
All we have is time and space. One day it will reach an end. One day we say good-bye. Who knows what happens after that.
The uneasy feeling comes and goes. Time passes. It is all that we have. Whether the end is near or far is totally irrelevant. It is how we handle the time we have left that is important.
Postscript:1/18/2018. I know what the uneasy feeling is and where it comes from. It has been so long since the unconscious has opened up to me totally that I had forgotten how painful and excruciating and physically draining the acceptance process is.
Along those lines, I really do not have any choice in the matter. Whatever the entity or entities are that give me this opportunity to see things not readily available to other human-kind; it is a privilege most generous and an experience that I have relished off and on over my nearly 67 years of being alive.
I have to accept this gift. There is no other choice in the matter. I could never create images like the one below and the ones contained herein without the gift of the collective unconscious being made available to me.
The work below was created on January 17, 2018 after many unsuccessful images were totally discarded. All of a sudden the process happened and here is the result.
It is an image a picture if you will of the body’s mind. The body, your body, my body, andy one’s or anything’s body has a mind of its own I came to this realization over the past many years after passing through many ailments and illnesses. Our bodies do what they want to do and we really do not have any choice in the matter.
What ultimately happens to us is the choice of the universe and the truth and consequences of our immediate place within our universe. It is a pretty big concept to swallow, but once ingested it is the only thing that makes any sense to me.
We have choices as to how we want to sustain or destroy our bodies. It is totally up to us. We are what we are and that is just a consequence of how we treat our physicality. We can choose to live healthier or we can choose to destroy ourselves. No mental illness is involved in the process. It is not addiction or due to mental process. It is what we have been handed.
We can choose to make it along or we can choose to destroy. Or sometimes it is just a matter of being in the wrong place the wrong time that makes us sick.
But then again if you look at this process from afar and don’t take it subjectively, the universe, the flow of space and time within it, has carried us along to the place where the bad luck, in terms of physical events, can find us.
Sometimes the bad luck just finds us, or we find it, or we just plain run into each other. In any event, there is not a hell of a lot we can do do prevent it.